Based on the classic 1962 comic book by Stan "The Man" Lee and Jack "Also The Man" Kirby, The Hulk tells essentially the story of Dr. Bruce Banner (Eric Bana), who, exposed to Gamma Radiation, gains the ability, or, more accurately, the curse, of turning into a large green monster with incredible strength when provoked. In comic form, it is a simple, if scientifically implausible, story, painting Dr. Banner as a tragic figure struck down by his own hubris.

Certainly the story could use some updating for a twenty-first century audience, a la the recent Spider-Man, which replaced the outdated dangers of radioactive mutation with the more current bogeyman of genetic engineering.

Unfortunately, this film Hulk stumbles before the credits have even ended, by significantly muddying the waters by placing the blame of tinkering with what God hath wrought on Banner's father, instead. I have no problem with this from a purist standpoint, as I've never read The Incredible Hulk comic with any regularity, but in doing so, the filmmakers destroy much of the depth behind Banner's predicament, changing him from a flawed and tragic hero to a pathetic and whiny victim, constantly manipulated by the evil mechanations of his insanely overacted father (Nick Nolte).

From this point on, it becomes a two and a half hour exercise in pretentiousness, which I will endeavor to sum up for you now to save you the trouble of watching the film.

First we're watching Banner wallow, then wallow some more, than wallow, complain a bit, do some wallowing, and then wallow some more. Someone who wants us to think he is Matthew McConaughey, but isn't, shows up, and cackles villainously with subtitles declaring to the slower members of the audience that he will be the villain.

Forty minutes pass. Key Gamma radiation. Banner is fine of course, but no! He's not! At this point, Shrek shows up, does some badly rendered damage, and fights his father's Hulk french poodle (I swear to God) before turning back to Banner, where he proceeds to wallow.

Banner is then captured and taunted by Not-McConaughey with a plan clearly inspired by that of the South Park underwear gnomes (1. collect underpants, 2. ??? 3. Profit), who pokes him with cattle prods despite his complete lack of defense for the inevitable Hulk-out. Hulk of course escapes, and bounds across the country in an extended battle sequence marred by graphics more at home on a Playstation than on a movie screen. Not to mention the G.I. Joe-style need to assure everyone that, golly, the Hulk wouldn't actually KILL anyone in his crazy rage-fueled rampage against the army.

Later, on a San Francisco street that is notably damaged and cracked from the violent grave-spinning of both Jack Kirby and Bill Bixby, the Hulk sees his true love, his heart grows a few sizes, and we watch him shrink from a badly rendered CGI shape looking vaguely like that Incredible Hulk character from the comics into a badly rendered CGI shape that looks vaguely similar to the actor earlier seen in the role of Dr. Banner.

At this point, The film is done.

Unfortunately, the writers and directors didn't realize this. Banner's father randomly decides to be a supervillain, and, looking through Hulk's comic book rogues gallery, chooses the Absorbing Man. Who absorbes stuff, not unlike Spongebob Squarepants, and about as dangerously, if this movie is any indication. He then politely asks the military if he can see his son and try to insult him for ten minutes until he turns into the Hulk and escapes. The military agrees, and gives him a setting for it that looks exactly like the one used in my fifth grade production of Our Town.

Then they fight or something, good wins, it makes no sense, Banner has escaped forever, and they close the movie in a genuinely nice little scene nodding to the old TV show.

Now, imagine the above laden with excessive and confusing splitscreen comic panel-style editing, a la 24 or the original Thomas Crown Affair.

Review, Recap, whatever, this movie blew. It tried, and there was so much in it that I give them credit for, but in the end, it's a decent hour and a half movie stretched into two and a half hours of tedium and incomprehensible plotpoints. If they had aimed for that instead, this might have been a rave review. As it is, the only raves I heard as the crowd filed out were of the "ranting and..." variety.

Verdict: Pass in the theater. It may be worth a rental, though, for the things they did right. There's a decent amount of it, actually, but it's all too lost in the muddle.